10 Ways Not to be Abducted by Aliens

In my research, I came upon an article regarding UFO abduction "phenomenon", as it were. In the article, it claimed that as much as 5 to 6 percent of the population may have been abducted or experienced "missing time".

Given that this is an amount of people that is literally in the millions, I have decided to post an official guide as how to NOT be abducted by aliens. With the holidays coming, this may or may not be useful, as some people may secretly wish they would be abducted prior to visiting Aunt Ethel and Uncle Mermon.

Top Ten Ways to NOT be abducted by aliens

1.) Don't sleep, as aliens seem to like to abduct people from their beds and/or bedrooms. If you do sleep, sleep on the couch.

2.) If you must sleep, sleep with a video camera. If you don't have a video camera, a cell phone camera will do. Aliens hate videos, and also seem to hate pictures. Apparently, they go after the 5 to 6 percent of the population that are technological Luddites.

3.) Live in a big city. If you are in a big city, move to a bigger one. If you are in a small town, move to the biggest city you can find. Aliens are more country mouse than city mouse and only seem to take people from quiet rural areas.

4.) Join the military. Aliens never seem to abduct anyone but regular people, loggers, farmers. They avoid anyone with a uniform.

5.) Eat lots of Kale. Aliens do not like leafy greens in general, and Kale in particular. This is why they are often called "greys". Not enough Vitamin C and B-12

6.) Think about baseball.

7.) Wear a hardhat and chastity belt to bed. Many stories say that aliens are interested in people and their reproductive organs. Its best to be prepared.

8.) Of course, number 7 could also refer to many humans I know as well.

9.) Think bad thoughts about aliens, that way, they will stay away from you. They can read minds you know, and are sensitive about who their friends are.

10.) Shower regularly, preferably right before bed. Studies show aliens are attracted to bad smells.